Seriously. If I could breathe fire right now, I’d burn this shit down with “Back in Black” playing in the background.
I haven’t been in a really bad mood like this for a few months. I realize it’s probably being brought on by the fact that my cancer follow up is tomorrow, I’m supposed to get my period in a few days, a comment last night brought all my infertility/stepmom feelings to the surface and I’m exhausted from being a good friend right now.
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa-oh!
If I have cancerous cells again, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. But it’s not even the prospect of cancer that upsets me, it’s the prospect of having to put my frozen embryo transfer on hold. Because to the crazy ladies of the world, not being able to get pregnant feels like cancer. It’s alienating and honestly my self-esteem could use a shot of tequila.
Speaking of alienating…last night a lady my in-laws introduced me to asked us if we have kids. As I’m getting ready to say yes, my husband says, “No, but I have two boys.” And it just kind of hangs in the air like slow motion in the movies. There it is. Another reminder that my husband is a father to someone else’s kids. But this time, it’s coming from his mouth. He immediately feels terrible and I know it’s not what he meant, but GOD. I’m not going to be mad at him but I hope he understands my need to self-medicate today.
I pride myself on being a lover. And I think I’m a really good friend, most days. Right now I have some girlfriends going through some intense stuff. Affairs, kids with cancer, domestic violence. It’s exhausting. And I’m starting to feel like a bad friend for my friends going through breakups with boyfriends because I need to be there for the serious stuff and I just don’t have emotional energy left for them.
And so today, that fiery bitch that lives inside me is gonna get everything she wants. I just don’t have it in me to be a crutch for any of my friends right now. I don’t feel like I can give 100% to all the places I’d like to. So instead, I’m gonna go get acupuncture and watch some girlie TV and eat whatever the hell I want.
So call me crazy, but feeling like I’m hitting a breaking point is actually good for me. It makes me a fighter, instead of all sad and mopey. Suck it, bad day!
Tags: friendship, infertility, IVF, love, marriage, relationships, stepmom, wife, woman
Hang in there. We face this all the time as well. Our blended family tries not to use the “step” words, so I started out trying to fool myself that responding “yes, we have kids” was acceptable. But then I was afraid their absence during the week and every other weekend would raise more questions.
So, my natural response has become “No, WE don’t, but he has two children from before me”. Usually there’s not much to explain after that.
I wish you the best for your followup. Now, go have a glass of wine. You deserve it!
Thanks, homie. This helps a ton. I know it’s just a sore subject so I need to not get so worked up about it. Wine helps.
I read some of my own story in your post. Every month that goes by that I don’t have my own kiddo on the way just makes it more prominent in my mind that he has two with someone else. In the beginning that was something I accepted with no issue, but as the months go by I have to be honest and liken it to a slap in the face at moments. The pep talk I have to give my self, the “oh it just takes time” or “it’ll happen when the time is right,” is pretty damn draining after a while. Though I’m always so sorry to read of others dealing with this sort of trouble, it’s good to know someone else besides me feels like the misfit pseudo-mom at times. Best of luck with everything!
Yep – you and me are in the same boat. It’s really hard to explain to people including to our husbands. They don’t understand what it feels like to be an outsider in your own family. And everyone once in awhile, I get sick of the “it’ll happen someday” mantra. I don’t want to have to keep waiting! Good luck to you too. You’ll have to keep me updated on your journey.